Disillusion
Index
Disillusion
???
...
???
...
???
Youmu.
???
Youmu Konpaku.
???
Can you hear me, Youmu?
???
...
???
I'll speak under the assumption that you can. And I'll repeat myself as many times as necessary.
???
Youmu.
???
The fantasy you believed in has disappeared. It no longer exists.
???
Your mistress, the place where you served, the waiting phantoms, the youkai cherry blossom tree in the garden...
???
...Gensokyo, and even the outside world have disappeared.
???
...Wait, did you even know about the outside world? I suppose you'd have to tell me.
???
Anyway.
???
They're all gone.
???
...
???
...
???
Youkai don't exist. Neither do gods.
???
The Lunar Capital doesn't exist. There is no Dream World.
???
The dead do not come back to life, and there is no world beyond death.
???
...That's how it is. You just didn't realize it.
???
That's why I have to tell you, Youmu Konpaku...
???
Open your eyes.
Youmu
Urgh... Wh-Where am I?
???
So it's you.
???
But which you? ...No, that doesn't matter. We'd be here all day if we tried to figure that out.
Youmu
...?
???
Nevertheless...
Station Master
Welcome to the new Hell.
Youmu
The new Hell...?
Youmu
Huh?! Th-The Yama...?!
Station Master
Yama?
Station Master
Hm, I see. Indeed, perhaps I am one of the great Yama of Hell...
Station Master
Or perhaps not. I am what you think of me.
Youmu
What...?
Station Master
This might be hard for you to understand, but it would be a disservice not to try and explain it to you.
Station Master
Everything that you are seeing right now, including me, and everything that you will soon see...
Station Master
...aren't entirely the same as the things you know... as the things you somehow managed to remember.
Station Master
Or, more precisely, they are more than that.
Station Master
The Lost Word erased everything. However, the "words" of what was erased did not simply disappear.
Station Master
Meanings and concepts that lost their place were reborn anew and syncretized as they drifted in search of a new home.
Station Master
They gather and overlap to eventually try and return to what they were. This is the exact same process as Fantasy Rebirth.
Youmu
What's Fantasy... Rebirth?
Station Master
If you don't know, that's fine too. Just forget about it for now.
Station Master
More importantly... Look at this.
Station Master
This is the same stuff as phantoms.
Youmu
What...? How can that be?!
Station Master
Phantoms are essentially floating temperaments. And they contain some memories from when they were alive.
Station Master
In other words, this is a river of information―one that even contains information from other worlds.
Youmu
Huh? Sorry, I don't understand.
Station Master
Hm, I suppose I cannot blame you.
Station Master
Normal spirits get confused by all the information that flows here and are infused with excessive lifeforce.
Station Master
And an arithmetic overflow of lifeforce is equivalent to death.
Station Master
They are treated as dead spirits and are forced to flow down this river to where they must go.
Station Master
However, since you border life and death as a half-human half-phantom, or because you have no attachment to either...
Station Master
...you managed to wake up here instead. Perhaps that is the strength of being gray and not committing to absolutes.
Youmu
Umm...
Station Master
Did you not understand that, either? Hmm, yes, I cannot blame you for that.
Station Master
But there's clearly something you want to say to me. Do you understand what that is?
Youmu
...
Youmu
I think so...
Youmu
I remember the Lost Word Incident. It stole everything from me.
Youmu
No, it feels like I've even started to lose those memories. The more I think about it, the less I can remember.
Youmu
There was something dear to me.
Youmu
But it feels like I'm about to lose even that vague sense that I've barely managed to hold on to.
Youmu
I don't even know what to think about it. But...
Youmu
...if you could tell me more, I'm sure it would help.
Station Master
That is...
Station Master
...good!
Station Master
You don't usually think things over as much as you should.
Station Master
But that isn't an excuse not to act when the time comes.
Station Master
Very well, I shall show you to your train.
Station Master
The further downstream you go, the more bad-tempered and vengeful spirits you'll find...
Station Master
No, perhaps I should call them evil spirits.
Station Master
But your train―the night train for spirits―will go up the river.
Station Master
With it, you should be able to escape the Ruins of Memory safely.
Youmu
The Ruins of Memory? Is that where I'm trapped right now?
Station Master
No, you're not trapped.
Station Master
The Ruins of Memory exist to protect and guide people like you. Their complexity simply makes it hard to leave.
Station Master
I'm sure you'll understand someday. But now, it's time to go.
Station Master
...You two, come here.
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Here.
Porter
Ma'am.
Station Master
Make extra sure that our guest boards the correct train, OK?
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Sure thing. Leave it to me.
Porter
Are you sure you're up to this, Driver?
Porter
You've sent lots of spirits to the wrong destination recently.
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Ah...
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Yeah, well, I'm sure it'll be fine!
Porter
Reeeeally?
Station Master
I sincerely doubt our driver will make such a mistake this time. Of course, you won't make any mistakes either, Porter.
Station Master
It's a direct line to her destination. That's the kind of journey she's on.
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Hmm, I see?
Porter
Then I guess there's no need to worry... right?
Station Master
Exactly. Now, go.
Station Master
The train departs on schedule. There isn't much time.
Subordinates
OK!
Youmu
...
Youmu
...
Youmu
...Um, excuse me!
Porter
Yes? What is it?
Youmu
Why are you being so nice to me? I don't... understand any of this.
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Why would you assume we're being nice to you if you don't understand anything? That's awfully strange.
Youmu
Well, yes... I see your point, but...
Porter
We're not acting out of kindness. It's more of a bet. We've got no choice but to bet on you.
Youmu
You're betting on me...?
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Yeah, that's right.
Driver/Ticket Inspector
I'm sure in your eyes we look similar to people you know.
Porter
And the station master you saw earlier probably looked like the Yama.
Porter
But we aren't truly those people.
Youmu
Right... she said the same thing.
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Then did she also tell you what we are?
Youmu
What do you mean?
Porter
We're phantoms... just like that green slimy stuff.
Youmu
...Huh?
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Does that surprise you?
Driver/Ticket Inspector
I'm sure you already know this, but phantoms aren't dead individuals.
Porter
The soul that leaves a dead person's body splits into multiple temperaments, and each temperament cluster is a phantom.
Porter
All the people you will soon meet are phantoms... Or rather, phantom-like beings.
Driver/Ticket Inspector
The Lost Words shred information about individuals, but when those shreds gather, they naturally form phantom-like beings.
Driver/Ticket Inspector
...Well, that's the short of it, anyway. Are you all right?
Youmu
I... I don't know how to answer that...
When they spoke of phantom-like beings, the thought that popped into Youmu's mind was of terrifying spooks.
The impression she got from the people in front of her was too dissimilar from the phantoms she somehow remembered.
Youmu's not afraid of phantoms. She saw them all the time and even lived with them.
But phantoms don't usually take the form of people, and you can't hear them unless you use some kind of special ability.
That's why she couldn't possibly think of the "phantoms" they spoke of as the same phantoms she was familiar with.
She couldn't, but...
...these feelings faded over time. She got used to it.
Getting hung up over other people's subjective views won't get you anywhere.
The people in front of her said that they, as well as that green goop, were phantoms.
So they probably are.
Before she knew it, Youmu had already started to think that way. She didn't have any other choice.
Porter
...OK. Please step aboard the train.
Driver/Ticket Inspector
Enjoy the ride.
She didn't know why, but...
...Youmu felt like she already knew what sitting on a train was like. Had she experienced it before?
Or maybe she heard about it secondhand? She had no way of knowing, so she quickly stopped questioning it.
The unique yet comforting swaying and the constant rhythm... Ba-dump, ba-dump... Ba-dump, ba-dump...
...might've been reminiscent of what it was like in her mother's womb. Or maybe that was another story she heard.
???
...Excuse me.
???
May I sit here?
Youmu
...?
Youmu hesitated. And not only because the girl's face was somewhat familiar to her.
All the other seats on the train were empty, so she never expected anyone to want to sit in front of her.
However, her hesitation didn't last long as the girl's expression and voice were so calm and friendly.
Youmu
S-Sure. Go ahead.
???
Thank you.
Youmu
...
???
I surprised you, didn't I? You must have wondered why I asked to sit here when there are so many other seats.
Youmu
Well, yeah, I suppose.
???
But this is the only seat near someone. No other seat would let me speak to you so freely.
???
There's no doubt about that.
She may have come off as creepy if you just heard her words without her friendly smile and tone of voice.
Youmu thought that she must be one of those people who prefer to travel with someone and enjoys conversation...
...even with strangers who just happen to be on the same train.
Youmu
I feel like I've met someone who looks like you before.
???
Oh, really? Then perhaps you'll find me easy to talk to.
Youmu
Hmm... Yes, you might be right.
Youmu
I'm Youmu Konpaku. My name... is one of the few things that I can clearly remember.
???
Wow, you've already regained your name. That's good.
Youmu
Hm?
Youmu was taken aback by the sudden compliment.
She realized this person must know about that Lost Word thing.
But she let the conversation develop naturally, as she didn't want to try and explain her complicated circumstances.
???
This proves that you received a wonderful gift. I couldn't be happier for you.
Youmu thought that was a strange thing to say to someone you've just met. Was there a hidden meaning to her words?
???
...It's such a relief.
At first, Youmu wondered why she was so happy, but those thoughts quickly dissipated, and she stopped questioning it.
???
...
Youmu
Um, your name?
???
Hm?
Youmu
What is your name? What should I call you...?
???
Oh, that's what you meant. My apologies.
???
Hmm, yes... my name...
???
It's quite embarrassing, but I used to be called a sword master. I know it would be arrogant to call myself that, but...
Sword Master
...I'd rather be called that than a celestial.
Youmu felt that "celestial" seemed much more fitting.
Youmu
OK then... Where are you catching this train to, Sword Master?
Sword Master
It's going to be a long journey for me. What about you, Miss Youmu? Are you going till the final stop?
Youmu
Yes, that's right.
Thinking about it now, Youmu realized that she couldn't quite figure out how long she'd been on the train.
Perhaps she fell asleep. Either way, she could sense that the final stop was still a long way off.
Sword Master
Well, well, so you are going all the way.
Sword Master
Then perhaps you'd be willing to join me in conversation?
Sword Master
That should help pass the time.
Youmu
Umm, sure. I'd like that.
Youmu felt a certain affinity toward the person sitting in front of her, so she was genuinely grateful for the proposal.
Sword Master
All right, then...
Sword Master
...allow me to tell you the tale of a certain swordsman.
Sword Master
First, know that the life of someone who follows the way of the sword is dependent on their ability to cut.
Sword Master
As a concept, cutting is quite a simple thing. You merely trace a line to separate a single object or entity into two.
Sword Master
However, the will and determination needed to do that...
The sword master's story was quite long, but Youmu didn't have to force herself to keep listening.
A tale that is pleasant to listen to is a strange thing.
If the tale spikes your interest, it proceeds at a good pace. However, this can get tiring, and it won't last for long.
On the other hand, a boring story is an excellent way to lull people to sleep.
The sword master's story was relatable and had some unexpected turns, but it was also more than that.
It was like the story was tailor-made to fit the hole in Youmu's heart and mind.
Like it filled in the pieces of what she had lost. That's what it felt like to Youmu, anyway.
How many hours passed like this? It was impossible to tell.
It felt like an immeasurably vast length of time passed by in a single moment...
...as is normally the case when having fun.
The story wasn't attempting to forcefully educate Youmu on how to live her life, nor was it superficially humorous.
She spoke words that lived and died with each breath.
Youmu
We've been speaking for quite a while. I wonder how close to the final stop we are? Or where we are, for that matter.
The window showed nothing but darkness... No, she could see some dancing specks of light when she squinted.
Youmu had no idea what they were, but she absently thought the scene outside looked kind of like a starry sky.
Sword Master
Hmmm, let me think...
Sword Master
We've just passed Usui and are probably nearing Keichitsu.
Youmu
Are those station names?
Even as Youmu asked this, she suspected they were something else.
Sword Master
Something like that. Keichitsu is the season when insects become active.
Sword Master
The mind is also more active around this time, giving rise to various new ideas.
Sword Master
It rains a lot in the Usui season, and water nourishes wood, so the plants grow thicker in preparation for the coming insects.
Youmu
I see.
They didn't sound anything like stations, but Youmu didn't question it. She had already accepted that that's just how it is.
???
...You seem to be having fun. Do you mind if I join you?
Sword Master
No, of course not. You don't mind either, do you, Miss Youmu?
Youmu
No, take a seat.
???
Thank you.
Youmu
...
???
What's wrong? Does my face remind you of a friend of yours?
Youmu
...Huh? What? No... I mean, yes, a little. I'm sorry.
???
No, don't be.
???
Please call me...
???
...Kongara-douji.
Youmu thought she looked like an oni.
She had heard that among the followers of the Buddha, there are beings similar to oni and reformed oni.
She seemed like the latter.
Sword Master
We were telling stories to pass the time. Would you like to join us?
Kongara-douji
Sounds good. Then how about I start with a story of my own?
Youmu
Yes, please.
And thus, Kongara-douji began her story.
Kongara-douji was known as the Astral Knight and served a noble family.
She served that family for many generations, and during that time, she laid many phantoms to rest.
Youmu thought she must be a virtuous Buddhist priest, but Kongara-douji insisted that she followed the way of the sword.
By using her sword to cut the phantoms' doubts, they naturally attained peace.
However, this troubled Kongara-douji's master, as they didn't know how to best utilize her talents.
Laying phantoms to rest without permission would worsen the overcrowding in Heaven, something the Yama wouldn't allow.
She went on a journey to find her master after they got separated, and on the way, she briefly served many others...
However, none of them could make full use of her abilities.
This tale awoke some memories in Youmu.
Youmu had the vague sensation that she also served a noble family and followed the way of the sword.
Kongara-douji said her original master was the only one who could make full use of her. But was it the same for Youmu?
She wondered who it was she served and what they were like... They must have been important to her.
A torrent of inexpressible emotions welled up inside her... Shame, regret, and self-hatred.
But could she let these emotions go without trying to put them into words?
Could she... pretend that they didn't exist?
Sword Master
Is something wrong, Miss Youmu?
Youmu
No... it's nothing...
Sword Master
Really? Are you sure there's nothing bothering you?
Youmu
...
Youmu
...
Youmu
Sorry. You're right. There is something I want to ask.
Kongara-douji
I'd be happy to answer if I can.
Youmu
...Thank you.
Youmu
I'm sure I also had a mistress who I served. But I couldn't clearly remember that until just now.
Youmu
My mind is full of doubts. That's my own fault, but...
Youmu
...these doubts have caused me to fail in my duty and let my dear mistress down.
Youmu
What should I do? How can I be like you, Kongara-douji?
Kongara-douji
You don't have to be like me.
Kongara-douji
You're your own person, aren't you?
Youmu
I know that, but...
Sword Master
Miss Youmu.
Sword Master
There will always be more doubts, especially for someone who strives toward the future.
Sword Master
No garment can be worn forever. It will eventually wear out, and a new one must be sewn.
Sword Master
No matter where you go and no matter how much time passes, your doubts will always stand in your way.
Sword Master
And when they do... You cut them down.
Youmu
Is that really OK...?
Even if the doubts are shaken off, that won't erase the sins of the past.
The fact that Youmu failed her mistress will not disappear.
Should you just cut them down? Is that how everyone continues to follow the path of the sword?
...
Youmu suddenly thought that she heard the announcement of a station's name.
Kongara-douji
I was told that I was born from a youkai. That is my other identity.
Kongara-douji
I was labeled a youkai swordswoman, and I also served many masters under that name.
Kongara-douji
And what do you know, my original master was still the only one who could use me to my full potential.
Kongara-douji
But that wasn't because I was a youkai swordswoman.
Kongara-douji
It's because I was a child of a youkai. That was the true nature of my being.
Youmu couldn't understand what she was saying, but she wondered if Kongara-douji's origins were similar to her own.
Then, suddenly, it all came together...
Youmu finally realized that she had no memory of where she came from.
Kongara-douji
There are bonds that go deeper than blood, so I'm sure there was someone who taught you how to live.
Kongara-douji
They showed you the path. And when you find them again, you'll...
Kongara-douji
...be able to turn all that you have reclaimed into power.
Kongara-douji
Just like me when I realized my true nature.
Again, Youmu couldn't quite grasp the meaning of her words.
Is she saying that there were two paths she could've taken and that both futures are within her?
Youmu wasn't sure, but Kongara-douji's words did help her realize something.
Youmu remembered that, in addition to the mistress she served, she also had a master who showed her the path.
...
Youmu thought she heard the deafening ringing of a bell.
Kongara-douji
...
Kongara-douji
Now then... This is where I leave you. I have business elsewhere.
Kongara-douji
Thank you for making this such an enjoyable train ride.
Kongara-douji
Oh, and also...
Kongara-douji
Please don't ever forget about us again.
Kongara-douji
OK?
Youmu
G-Good bye...
Sword Master
Look over there, Miss Youmu.
Youmu
...!
A pair of swords was lying on the seat Kongara-douji had just vacated.
The two swords were different in all respects... their length, adornments, design, and their method of manufacture.
They obviously came from different places, but...
...it was as though these two swords were made to be used as a pair.
Before Kongara-douji arrived and after she departed...
...many other passengers boarded the train, sat down next to Youmu and the Sword Master, and then disembarked.
They spoke of their journeys and then left for their next destination. Isn't that how all journeys go?
The carriage was even full of chatting passengers at one point... but they were all gone now.
The train was approaching Rikka.
The next station after Rikka is Shouman. Somehow, Youmu knew that was the final stop.
Shouman is the start of the rainy season when the first rain of trials falls.
Youmu was now able to realize the truth...
...the truth that her life had only progressed this far. Her trials were still to come.
Sword Master
...
Youmu
It's gotten quiet, hasn't it?
Sword Master
...
Youmu
It's like when I first met you.
Sword Master
...
Youmu
That feels like such a long time ago. This journey was so unbelievably long.
Sword Master
...
Youmu
Sword Master.
Sword Master
...
Youmu
Why?
Sword Master
...
Youmu
Why?!
Sword Master
...
Youmu
Why won't you say anything?!
Sword Master
...
Youmu
...
The moment Youmu feared had finally arrived.
The train stopped.
This was the second to last stop. Youmu had already worked out what this meant long ago.
It was obvious...
...and she couldn't do anything about it.
Youmu
*sob*
Sword Master
...
Sword Master
...
Sword Master
Those who attain enlightenment and ascend to the heavens never return.
Sword Master
And they don't always get the chance to say farewell.
Sword Master
There is no warning.
Sword Master
They simply vanish.
Sword Master
Leaving behind...
Sword Master
...those who are dear to them.
Youmu
*sob*
Sword Master
They wait for nothing.
Sword Master
Not for time, for the world, or for people.
Sword Master
Now then―
Sword Master
―It's time for us to part.
Youmu
*sob*... *sniff*...
Sword Master
I have already told you what I feel. I told you everything during our long journey together.
Sword Master
But now I understand what you feel about me.
Sword Master
If I―
Youmu
No... No... Don't say it...!
Sword Master
If I am the―
Youmu
...No! No, no, no! STOP!
Sword Master
―If I am the doubt in your heart...
Youmu
...!
Sword Master
Then cut me down.
Youmu
...
Youmu
......
Youmu
......
There are no words during the final moments.
They aren't needed, nor are they wanted.
This shows that the end isn't everything. There are things just as important.
Conductor
May I see your ticket?
Conductor
Sorry, I know it's late.
Conductor
...
Conductor
Oh, would you look at that? That's a nice ticket you've got there.
Conductor
No, there's no problem. I'm sure you'll safely reach the final stop.
Youmu didn't remember buying a ticket.
Youmu
...Thank you, Miss PLAYER.
Youmu
It must have been hard to keep listening to such a long story.
Not at all! My journal records it automatically, after all.
Youmu
Wow, that must be useful.
Did you learn all that from the Matsuyoi Spirit Lantern?
Youmu
No, ummm, I'm not sure. It's kind of hard to explain...!
Youmu
I think those phantoms who helped me on my journey are the same phantoms who gathered to this lantern.
Youmu
That's why I'm sure that "sword master" is still watching over me from within it...
Youmu
Though that's just what my gut tells me.
I see. Then it might be true.
Youmu
Yeah.
Youmu
I heard you were gathering information. So I thought it might be a good idea if you recorded this story in your journal.
Thanks, Youmu. I think this will be really useful!
Youmu
All right, we've still got lots to do...
Youmu
So let's continue onward.
Yeah, let's go!
...There was one thing that the sword master didn't tell Youmu.
They didn't forget.
They just didn't need to say it anymore.
The sword master knew that Youmu was already determined to carry the torch.
"Take care of Lady Yuyuko for me."
